Once-in-awhile, you offer a tidbit I can "work" — like, when I totally screw-up, "just turn the damn thing off, like the power went off, (count ten, as a very frustrated Microsoft "help" lady advised me), turn it back on, and watch the lower yellow slide graph work from left to right as it fixes itself. VOILA! 

My computer turned out to be a monster. What I paid for it, I wouldn't admit to a Catholic priest. 

I bought my Compaq Presario at Sears — from a fast talking nerd-type who reminded me of a slicky-slick car salesmen — who told me "everything I didn't want to know" about it. I walked in looking for a computer printer and scanner that would copy and easily transpose fonts etc. of a dancing horse training book I wrote years ago. That's all — except I also wanted to be able to find Web "horse" info, do research, e-mail and (secretly) watch porno shows too (just kidding, dear). 

The hot shot salesman rattled on about Sears' many different computer models. There seemed to be an acre of them. Like buying a car, I settled on a big, fancy looking one in chartreuse plastic. "How much is this?" My sharp-shooting salesman toted up the cost, including a compatible printer and scanner. "Way too much," I said, but thanks for taking time with me. "Just a minute," quoth the salesman, "let me see if I figured right. Oh! It's not that high, it's only ($--). Sorry, I replied, "Maybe later." He diddled on the cash register. "How about this — I just remembered we're puting these on sale tomorrow." Sold. Put it all in the car. 

My son came over to help me set it up. The printer and scanner cables wouldn't fit. I called Sears. They didn't have the right cables. I was mad. I took it all back, told them to take it out of the car and give me a refund. The loading dock guy took it back in. The salesman appeared. Offered me another make "better than this one" at the same price. It wasn't as pretty as the one I wanted, but I traded. Back at the loading dock, they put the "new" units in my car. "Where's the monitor?" The stock room boy said they had to get one from another store and I could pick it up in a couple days. "To hell with that. Take it out of the car and just give me my money back." He put it back on the cart and took it back in. 

Too mad and upset to go back for the refund papers right away, I sat on the bumper and had a smoke. Lo and behold, here cometh the salesman. He was sorry about the cable foul-up and extra trip I had to make. Said he talked to "the boss." They had one complete setup: computer, monitor, printer, scanner "but a much more expensive outfit" I could buy for just a little bit more. No way. I just wanted my refund. "Wait a minute," he said. Went back in. Came back out and said he could let me have the "better" units for the same price.

Sold. Put it in the car. Same kid wheeled the new stuff out, gave me a sympathetic grin, loaded it in my car, I took it home, my son hooked it up. I turned it on. Voila! It all worked. Still does. But it's a monster — can do things I don't care about, like making CDs, plays videos, music, gets thousands of stations etc. Sometimes I hit the wrong key and it takes off on its own. Like a monster. When that happens, I yank its plug.

That'll show it. (End of epistle).