In late 1999, I made the decision to re-enter the dating market, so to speak. After trying one of the local dating services (good, but very expensive), and being repelled by the smoke filled nightclub scene, I decided to join the electronic dating scene. An active AOL user friend of mine, Tim, told me about AOL’s romance section where you could post personal ads looking for a mate or just a date.

In the past year, there have been many other Website services entering into the on-line dating scene, some free and some not. In this article, I have chosen to focus on the free services. To help build some confidence for those just starting out, let me share with you some of my experience with AOL’s service, share some suggestions about safe dating, electronically or not, and finally provide some Web addresses where you might employ these techniques for your own benefit.

In mid September, 1999, I posted my first ad after first cruising the existing ads looking for examples. I first scanned the ladies’ ads to see what the ladies in my age bracket were looking for, and then I scanned the mens’ ads in the same bracket to see how they presented themselves. I combined the various concepts which I picked up from the other persons’ ads and created my own version. I quickly learned the codes that the people used, such as “a few extra pounds” really meant “a lot of extra pounds”.

In less than 90 days, I made contact with over three dozen eligible ladies from the local area, exchanged photos with about half of them, and had met or dated ten of them. I would start out by exchanging e-mail messages with them, switch to AIM (AOL’s Instant Messenger) for live chatting on-line to get to know each other better. If we hit it off with the chatting, we moved to the phone, and later to meetings in person at a public place. I was 44 years old at the time, and had responses from ladies 29 to 50 years of age, and from all backgrounds and education levels. Dating was beginning to get expensive.

But toward the end of November, 1999, I was contacted by a young lady who had read my ad. She was also employed as a computer consultant and wanted to get to know me better. After exchanging photos, we started chatting, did the phone thing and started dating after two weeks. Three weeks later, we were engaged on Christmas Eve, and a few months later, on Valentines Day 2000, we were married. Wow! I’m not sure either of us knew what really hit us, but Cupid must have used up all his arrows on us. We were the perfect match for each other, in our likes and dislikes, politics, and attitudes in general. Must be something to do with the nature of our businesses which caused us to build a similar mind frame over the years.

So now that you know it can really work for someone, let me offer some suggestions before trying it for yourself.

During the first part of 1999, I tried one of those professional dating services, the one that posts the “free info for singles” signs all over the place. While I found them to be very professional at screening and matching me up with likely ladies, their cost was more than I really wanted to pay. If you don’t want to have to screen each lady for yourself, the paid services are the way to go. But if you are willing to take a few more chances and learn to say “no” or listen to them say “no” more often, the free services are for you. 

Check out the following sites for free match making sites. There are enough free sites to use, that you don’t have to pay money for dating services unless you want someone else to screen out the prospects before you have to talk with them. 

• AOL
• Flirt
• Digital City
• Web Personals

Before you get started, you need to prepare a few things. 

Scan in a head & shoulder’s photo (called a pic by those on-line), about the size of a passport photo. AOL will edit the photo to eliminate suggestive view. I found a more casual, yet professional looking photo was best accepted for the initial display, with some other pic’s ready for subsequent interactions. (One photo of my cat sitting on my lap while I was in front of the computer was well accepted.)

Set up an alternate e-mail address to use for this purpose only. A disposable address in case you come in contact with someone you would prefer not to continue talking with. Remember that delete key works well for e-mail, and you can set up filters to block unwanted e-mail. If you are an AOL member, set up a secondary screen name. Otherwise, set up a free account with a service like 

• Hotmail
• Netscape
• Yahoo

If you are not a member of AOL, you might want to download a free copy of AOL’s AIM program from their Website. 

Check out prospective matches by searching for men or women (your preference) in the desired age brackets, race and locality. Scan through and make note of what they are saying about themselves. Make note of the different fields for which they supplied an answer and think about what you would say in response. Most on-line services suggest that personal ads with photos are 10 times more likely to be seen than those without. I don’t know about the odds, but I did find that my ad received significantly more “responses” after the photo was displayed than before. It can take a few days for a new ad to start showing up with a photo, so be patient.

Once you begin contacting folks, you might want to keep a log file of your contact, those you contacted and those whom contacted you. Match up photo’s with their names and e-mail addresses, but you normally won’t get more their first name. If you are running on AOL, there is a plug-in you can buy from BPS software called Power Tools. The cost was about $30, but it enables you to add a photo to each screen name when chatting, plus retrieve and display their profiles, allowing you to add notes. Remember that even if you use another ISP to access the net, you can sign up with AOL for $9.95/month using their BOA account (Bring Your Own Access). I found this method to be more convenient to allow better handling of all contacts, but you can use AOL’s Instant Messenger to do much of the same (without the side notes or photos).

Be honest and realistic when describing yourself. Be straight forward, although not too blunt, about your expectations. Mind games are strongly disliked by most people. Be polite, but honest. It will save you much time in the long run. While it might reduce the number of people you get to meet at first, but you can eliminate those with whom you are obviously not compatible. If you describe yourself as a seven foot basketball player for the SPURS, and they find out you are really a few inches shorter and work at a shoe store as a salesman, well, would you stick around with someone who started out by lying to you? Hmm? Would you?

Most of the ladies I was in contact with thru my ad, expressed their interest in starting a new relationship based upon friendship and mutual trust, not one based upon raging hormones. That isn’t to say there aren’t ladies out there looking for a fast relationship with the right guy, I’m just saying that guys should not expect to place an ad tonight and have dozens of ladies sending in requests for him to come right over. Many of the ladies frequently expressed disgust in the numbers of married men, or separated men, who were looking for something on the side. One told me about a married doctor in Kerrville who simply wanted to start something on the side when he came to San Antonio. So ladies and gentlemen, whether you are wanting long or short term or serious or casual commitment, make that clear in your ad and your responses to other ads.

Again, I can’t stress enough the importance of doing your homework first to prepare for your own ad or before contacting your first potential date. Know what you want and can offer to the other person, and what they have said they wanted or could offer. You should not be looking for quantity, but for quality. Time is worth money, to you and to your potential date. Don’t waste it by being unclear in what characteristics you are looking for in the other person.

Take reasonable precautions when you communicate with others over the Web. It is hard to tell whether the other person is following the “rules” or not. All of us have heard stories on the news about someone pretending to be younger or older than they are, in an attempt to lure another into an unsafe situation. Don’t give out your full name, phone number or physical address over the Web while in chat or e-mail with others until you know you can trust them. Protect your identity by initially limiting release of your name to your first name or nick name. I tended to give my phone number out more often than receiving one. As a guy, I figured I could always simply hang up the phone if I did not want to talk with someone. Don’t forget that many folks have Caller ID, so if you call the other person and don’t want them to know your number just yet, press *67 before dialing to hide your number for that call.

Check your e-mail frequently to watch for responses. When you respond to another’s ad, give them enough information to make them curious enough about you to want to reply back. I contacted one lady who had received over 300 responses to her ad that month, but she responded to my inquiry because I had provided her with some basic info about myself and a photo, a sort of public capsule similar to the info included on my personal ad. Many of those I chatted with said they picked and chose whom to respond to, but most said they would at least offer the courtesy of a reply even if they did not think they would be interested. Situations change rapidly. By the time you respond to an ad, that person might have started dating another respondent already. Be patient and don’t get frustrated if you don’t immediately get a date for every night.

When you decide to meet in person for the first time, I would suggest picking a public place such as a restaurant where neither party would feel pressured into staying if they didn’t want to stay. Make sure you have sufficient lighting, yet quiet enough for the two of you to chat. The location will depend upon your personality and the person you are meeting. I do not recommend a movie or other activity where you will not have time to see and learn about each other. I found local restaurants like Jim’s, Bill Miller’s, or even Bennigan’s to work well for this purpose. Lunch times are sometimes considered better than dinner for the initial meeting, because if either party is uncomfortable with the situation, it is easier for them to bow out gracefully using the excuse to get back to work, or whatever.

While in my case, Pat and I moved very quickly from initial contact to first date, to engagement and marriage, this is not a time table I would urge most to follow or expect.

If you set reasonable and realistic expectations, are honest with yourself and the folks you meet, you can have a very enjoyable time and meet lots of very nice people who share common interests by searching on-line.